TranScript:

Welcome to Write Wrong, a podcast that talks about writing from the point of view of someone who’s been doing it wrong for far too long. I’m Cortney Hamilton, and this is episode seven:  

Authorship: Or a writer’s guide to avoid writing completely. 

But first, for your episodic tip today I bestow upon you this gem: 

If you’re sitting at your desk all day, drink water or tea and lots of it. Because the reality is, nobody’s standing and stretching at their desks when writing for hours. And not only are you hydrated but having to get up to pee keeps us moving. It’s like your body’s natural way of telling you it doesn’t want deep-vein thrombosis. 
 

If you don’t like tea or water and don’t care about hydration, drink beer for the same effect, but put it in a coffee mug, so you look productive. 

Moving On: 

Stephen King says: In order to become a writer, you have to do two things: read a lot and write a lot. And while, sure you can do that, if you want to be a published author and have people actually read your work, you probably want to know The King glossed over a few things. 
 
One thing I’m unhappy to learn is that writing is so much about not writing. Did you know that if you want people to read your novel, you have to let them know you, in fact, exist? And moreover, you have to tell people that you wrote a book. And further moreover, you also have to find people who read books. 
 

The obstacles nowadays are numerous to getting your book into the multiple digits of multiple hands. 
 

No longer are we able to just write our masterpiece, have a publisher love it, go on Oprah, sell a million copies, and reap the movie residuals that we’re so rightly due. I know I was shocked by this, but I’m also still absorbing the fact that the Oprah show has been off the air for nine years.  
     
So now they tell us that putting your blood, sweat, and tears, not to mention words and grammar, into writing a novel is just not enough. We need to be doing more, they say. They say we need to become not just writers but business people. And I have to tell you that the word business makes my eyes glaze over faster than an actuary can say, section 4 subheading A. But I fear that if I want to sell, then I should probably listen to the they. 

So let’s explore it together in what I’m, and probably most others are calling: Authorship, the incomplete guide to not writing at all. And by authorship, I mean all the things we have to do in order to be a writer whose number of readers at least exceed more hot-dogs than a person consumes at a competitive eating contest. 
 

Think of it this way: Writing is to authorship, what having sex is to rearing a child. Yes, you love the first the part, even though sometimes it’s awkward and can lead to death, but it’s hanging in there in for years when your kid refuses to be potty trained that makes or breaks you. 
“He’s eight years old, Michelle, he’s just being lazy!”   

And, fellow writers, I got to come clean with you. I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m right in the middle of figuring all this out, and I’m only beginning the process that gets me to authorship. Which is why I thought it would be a good time to advise you on a few things I think I should be doing and hope that by saying them out loud, it might actually get me to do them. 

And I think what really naugas my hyde is that we used to just have to advertise to sell our books. It was that simple. I’m guessing. 
But not anymore. Because advertising is no longer the thing we do, it’s now the thing we are.  

Because these days, you can’t separate your work from who you are. Gone are the days when you can extol your anti-semite views in an interview and still be a best-selling author of children’s books. Thank Goodness. That’s a step in the right direction. But, I know I’m a decent guy, why can’t people find out the old fashioned way—through my mother. 
 

Well, apparently, mothers aren’t as reliable as they once were either. Plus, they’re still trying to find the ‘poke’ button on Facebook. 

Obviously, I have a lot to learn. And, one of the things I have learned is something I heard from Seth Godin. And I’m paraphrasing here, so don’t quote me quoting him on this. He said: You don’t need everyone to want to read your book, you just need some ones. 
 

So how do I get ones from the “some” category? 
    
Unfortunately, for me, it means showing up consistently. Now, historically, I’ve been the person who doesn’t commit until the last minute. You’d like me to come to your birthday party tomorrow? I’m going to have to move some stuff around first. And by move stuff around, I mean I’ve just decided to rearrange the furniture in my apartment that day, and I don’t know if I’ll be done in time. And if I am done, I don’t know if I’ll want to put on pants. 

I know this sounds selfish and self-sabotaging. And it is one of those…but not the other. But what I’ve realized about myself is that it’s not about the birthday party. It’s about my fear. And how I cherish my insecurity over friendship. 

You heard me right, cherish my insecurity. 

Okay, let me clarify: Like some people out there, I don’t like to be judged. Unless, of course, I’m judging myself, then, apparently, I can’t get enough of it. 
 

But I haven’t put myself out there because I’m afraid. I know, I sound brave and confident, But inside, I’m really just a stack of quivering Twinkies shaped into a baby seal. I don’t go to that party, not for lack of pants, but because I’m self-conscious and might not feel as charismatic as I do when I practice in the mirror. 
 

I don’t feel outgoing, and I’m scared that people will judge me for it and ultimately say what I already hear them say in my head before I even show up, “Why’d we invite this guy?”
 

So I don’t put myself out there unless I feel as good as my confidence tells me I can be. And my confidence is rarely in my corner. 

And I’m realizing this is the same with social media. Yes, I can do it without pants, but it’s not about the pants. Stop focusing on the pants. It’s about me not knowing how to engage, because I put pressure on myself to make people laugh, or be impressed, or like me. And if they don’t like me—and I don’t know if you know this, but there’s a little heart at the bottom of every tweet that tells you if they like you—then why keep subjecting myself to heartless tweets? 
    

You know where this is going. Straight to truth town. And truth town says, “suck it up, Hamilton. Not everyone will like you. Don’t let your insecurity get in the way of reality. Just be yourself. That’s all you can do.” 

But myself doesn’t like to visit truth town. But I’m trying. Hence, this podcast. 

Fellow writers, I didn’t wake up one morning and think, I have too little to do in my life. I should start a podcast! That’ll fill up my days. No. I thought to myself: I need to let people know I exist and do it in a way that I fee comfortable with. And that I’m writing fun books to read, and sure, they’re not published yet, but all the more reason for people to get in on the ground floor of what will surely become a multi-million dollar franchise. 
 

Okay, I’ve dialed expectations back a skosh since then.

But I am talking to you now, and Even though I’m in the creature comforts of my three-creatured home, it’s still a challenge. Because I know I come off as cavalier, but this is really me in my girlfriend’s closet trying to connect to you. So, I’m giving this a shot. And if this doesn’t work, I’ll want to quit. But I won’t.  
 

As a great philosopher once said: Fall 7 times. Get up 8. Get no listeners on podcast, try Youtube.  

So let’s talk social media, or as I like to call it, the place you post videos to justify your cat being an asshole. 
    

And I’m going to speak to you as if you’re me. Because, with all of these suggestions, I’m really talking to me but the me who won’t listen to me but does listen to podcasts. 
    

There are so many options when it comes to social media. Do you get on Twitter? Facebook? What about Tik-Tok? You know, that app that the President wants to ban and has inspired your grandson to snort nutmeg, light himself on fire while doing The Renegade all within the fifteen seconds he’s allotted. Yes, he’s in the hospital, but he’s added forty-thousand followers. Every author I know would kill for that kind of outreach. 
 

How about posting photos on Instagram? Pinterest? Picchat? Connecting on Tumblr? QQ? Youtube? Qzone? The options are so overwhelming you probably don’t realize that Picchat is totally made up. 

The practical advice, that I’m following, but only because I’m lazy, is to pick two options to actively use for my social media outlets. I like the brevity and insouciance of Twitter, but maybe that’s not for you because you like to take photos of your children dressed as the wild animals you wish they were and post them on Instagram. 
 

Or maybe you’ve been on Facebook for years, have cultivated a good amount of friends and people from high school that you never speak to, and now want to poke those people with your latest book. 
    

Each one has its tone and personality, and you should try them out to see which one fits you. But only pick one or two. And go in with a specific intention.
    

One intention that’s good to ask is: Who do you want to engage with? 
        

Now I know this because I just listened to this podcast called Book Marketing Simplified, and they suggested to me to find my ideal reader. So I’m gonna suggest it to you because it sounds good. Is your ideal reader twenty-eight or fifty-two? Male, female, trans, gendervoid? What kind of movies do they like? The idea is that the more specific you can get, the easier it is to find those people and engage meaningfully. And I suggest you listen to Book Marketing simplified. They aren't sponsoring me or anything. I just like them. And you can get more information from them because they know a hell of a lot more than I do or will ever about this topic. And I’m going to try some of their suggestions. 

Schedule
    

Also, go in with a schedule. Consistency is key. Experiment with different times of day. See when your potential readers are on Twitter. I don’t know how you do that, but I presume the more we’re engaging, the more we’ll have an idea. And if you try it for a month and don’t like it. Then try something else. As long as you do that consistently too.  

Personally, I’ve been on Twitter for six years now, and as of this recording, I have 180 followers. And I like Twitter because it’s short and sweet. Because I don’t have to upload photos I’ve taken or try to find those photos I’ve taken or even take new photos to replace the ones I thought I had. Because on Twitter, I find a lot of helpful links and information to blogs and podcasts that I click on. 
 

But, clearly, I have failed the consistency test. But I’m trying to change that. And I’m going to start slow because I don’t want it to become a burden, and something I don't like doing. 
    

So I’m telling you, which is me, I’m going to get on twice a day. Fifteen minutes in the morning. Fifteen minutes in the evening. And I’m going to try to engage by responding to people. By tweeting out my own thoughts, which hopefully won’t be laced with profanity. And if I’m on there longer, great. But the key is to be consistent. And much like exercise or that first sip of beer I had from my dad’s coffee mug when I was a kid, if I tell myself I like it, maybe I’ll find that I do like it after years of forcing myself to do it.

Now, I haven’t just settled on being horrible at Twitter, I’m even worse on Facebook. I probably have fifty friend requests that I’ve never responded to and now likely have 50 friend retractions because they think I’m a dick. I don’t know because I haven’t even checked. And I’m missing an opportunity. I know. You don’t have to harp on it. And I going to go back to engage. Maybe. We’ll see. I’m on Twitter, and I’m doing a podcast, it’s a lot already.

I’m also on Instagram, but I hate selfies of me, and I can only tolerate so many shots of places, pets, and food before I want to smash my phone against the wall. So I’ve avoided it. My projection of Instagram is like watching a constant barrage of slides of someone else’s vacation…often of people I don’t know, who didn’t go anywhere, taking selfies from angles to hide their double-chin, and posting a glut of photos of themselves with other strangers holding cocktails that, in their entirety, seem to hide a message that subconsciously proclaims: “I am desperately afraid of being alone and sober around others.”

So when I do do social media, I’m going to stick to a schedule and keep my options to one or two outlets until I can figure out what’s the best one that both highlights my personality, allows me to engage, and doesn’t eat up too much of my day.
    
    

One quick thing I’d like to address: Posting. I’m on social media, now what do I post? 
    

The short answer is: I don’t know.
    

The long answer is: Post stuff that isn’t annoying. 
    

I find this to be a tough one because the advice I’ve read is to engage by say, asking questions that only require a short response or an emoji. Something like: How are you feeling right now? Hippo emoji?
    

Personally, I’m feeling irritated. Because it comes off as disingenuous to me. Over and over, I see the same questions from people: Are you a dog or a cat person? What’s your favorite horror story? How do you write, pen or computer? When are you more productive: morning or evening? 
    

And these might very well work to start a relationship. I mean, if you’ve been listening to this episode from the beginning, you’ll know I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. And If you discover that @johnjohnjimmycheeks likes chocolate chip cookies, he might very well be interested in your cookbook '50 ways to chocolate your chips'. 
    

But think about it this way: if you walked into a room of people where you didn’t know anyone and every third person you spoke to started the conversation with: are you a dog or a cat person? You’d probably think you stumbled into an ESL class of foreign-born professionals who were trying to pass the networking portion of their conversational exam. 
    

Of course, people will respond more frequently if your question only needs an emoji or a gif. But maybe get a bit more creative and original and ask questions that are specific to you. 
    

Again, I’m saying this as a reminder for me. Who is you, but not you. Because you have either probably shut this off by now or are having a conversation with someone while this plays through your earbuds dangling like hi-tech neck testicles from your shirt-collar.   

A final thing about gaining followers on social media that I’m finding out: It’s waay slower than a double-header of baseball followed by a PGA tournament of golfing toddlers. I’m on episode seven of my podcast, and when I launched, I told all my friends, co-workers, family, and even enemies who I apologized to if only to get them to listen to an episode and leave a review. These are people that know me personally. That, for the most part, like me and likely would give me a ride home if I asked.
 

And there are over a hundred of them. And to this day, I have ten reviews of this podcast, nine of which aren’t mine. Ten of which aren’t my mother's. It takes time. And I’m trying to get the word out to actual writers who are interested in this material or are at least entertained by laughing at me, and I’m realizing what I knew all along: It’s going to take a while. A long while. And you probably know way more people than I do, which is why you should take a lesson from me and have started years ago. So start now. 
     
But enough with social media.
Because there are other chores we have to do for our authorship that not only take up time, but do so in a way that can feel like driving to a colonoscopy appt. 

Your Website
    

As a potentially published author, you should have a website. You know this. And if you don’t, then congratulations on your parole. 
    

And there are some great places to build your own website. Now, I know there are those of you out there who hear that phrase and cringe as though I just asked you to clean your toilet with a toothbrush. And I know there are those who would rather clean their toilet with a toothbrush than create their own website. 
 

But this is the part of authorship that is necessary and can be fun in the same way that raking leaves can be fun if those leaves were indoors, dripping wet all over your desk, and all you had was a computer mouse to rake them with. 
    

But, fortunately, putting together a website is not as hard as it used to be even for those of us who don’t know if their wall outlet is compatible with their computer. You can go to sites like Wordpress or Wix who both have great templates to help you get started. 

I used Wix. They’re not a sponsor of this show, and I’m not endorsing them. But I’m not not endorsing them either. It’s just what I used because I liked their templates. And after trying it a couple of times and quitting from frustration, I got used to their interface and was able to put up a website I’m happy with right now. The key was I started knowing that I didn’t know anything, and I learned over multiple short sessions. I didn’t try to do it all at once. So, if you do create your own website, I recommend that you save your kids and spouses from your bad mood and start with thirty-sixty minute intervals.     

The important thing is that your website doesn’t have to be fancy. It can be simple, clean, and informative. In the beginning, all you need is who you are, what you’re about, and the novels you’ve published. Or are going to publish. Yes, there’s more to it than that. Because you do want people to spend time on your site and the more you offer, the longer they’ll linger. But you don’t have to do it all at once.
    

As you get more comfortable, you can have a blog. You can create a podcast. You can provide photos of your children as pets or sing ballads inspired by your novel or show videos with tips on how to keg stand on a chocolate fountain without staining your shirt. 
  

But if you’re overwhelmed with even the thought of building a website, don’t add all of that stuff at once. Otherwise, you’ll want to quit. But do think of things to add that are specific to you and your interests that will get people to stick around longer than they ever did on Myspace.  
Also, once you’ve built that site, then pay for a domain name to make it professional. Don’t just go with the free version. You want people to click on I’magreatwriter.com. Not I’magreatwriter.wixsite.com/diditellyoui’magreatwriter/wix.net/org.

For some reason, people won’t take you seriously. It’s like going to a business meeting where your clip-on tie falls off and slaps your boss in the face. 

NON-TECH TASKS:

You might be surprised to hear that not everything you need to do to sell your book is internet related. Like: 

Write a query and synopsis
    

This one can be fun because it entails actual writing. And it’s necessary if you want to get an agent. 
    

If you don’t know, a query letter is a formal letter you write to pitch your book to an agent. And like a barefoot walk across a bed of hot coals, it’s short but difficult. 
    

Essentially, a query letter helps you to entice an agent into reading your novel. You’re not telling them the entire story, you’re typically giving them the first act and what’s at stake for your characters. Often, they’re three-hundred words or less, and that includes your introduction and closing. If you need help writing a query, I’d go to the Query shark website and start reading the archives to understand what an agent wants. 

Self Publishing. 
    

If there’s anything I want to do less than my own website, it’s figure out how to self-publish. Now, I know this is just resistance and that if and when I do figure it out, I’ll be perfectly happy self-publishing. But because I don’t know it, it seems tedious and entails a lot of work, I’ve been avoiding it. 
    

And there are some great resources to learn how to self-publish, not to mention places that will essentially do it for me. From helping me edit to putting a cover together, these guys look like they have it locked down. And, from what I hear, self-publishing allows me so much more control than traditional publishing. And if I have a following on social media, and the audience willing to buy my book, this is probably the most lucrative way for me to go. 
    

But even thinking about it right now, I’d rather dive into a ball pit at Chuck-E-Cheese to bob for a poopy diaper.  

Read. 
    

Yes, Stephen King was right, reading is part of your authorship. And, rumor has it, it’s fun! Read in your genre. Read books that have been published in the last five years in your genre. All of them. Buy these books. Then read other genres you want to write in. Or classics. Or intersperse novels with nonfiction, or books on writing, or poetry. God, poetry is an inspiration, and not just to make you sound profound when you’re trying to impress a girl. 
 
Give.
    

This one sort of piggy-backs on other things like engaging on social media.
    
For example, you could teach or help others by beta reading for someone. Or proofreading or editing. You could do this all for free to give back to the writing community. All of this is part of your advertising.
You could write instructive blogs, either for your website or for other websites or newsletters that give cool things to your subscribers. 
    

You can go to local writing groups and provide valuable feedback to someone else who’s struggling. 
    

You can volunteer at local literary events. You can start your own literary event. 

​

Miscellaneous: 
        

You might reach out with giveaways or contests or games. Get on the internet and see what other authors do and have done that inspire you. If you draw, give away a cool drawing. You knit? I’d love a hat, thank you. Trim bonsai? I’ll sign up for that giveaway. Honestly, I have no idea what I’ll do. Maybe some bacon sandals? I don’t know. I’m just spitballing. We have to get creative and I’m still working on it.   
 
Go to conferences. 
    

Have I done this? No, But I’ve heard it’s great. Talk to agents, successful authors, unsuccessful authors, pre-published authors, post-published authors, mentors, teachers, coaches, parking attendants, and learn from them. Ask questions, network, get to know people. Pitch your book. Listen to people pitch theirs. Schedule a standoff at high noon and see who can pitch faster.
    

Yes, this does cost money and time and travel, and right now is not the best time to go, but I’m optimistic, and I’m imagining a time when we can free-range ourselves into networking bliss, talking to other writers face-to-face without masks. I’m sure I’ll be doing it at some point. 

Again, like driving a car or having children, it’s better to approach these tasks one at a time. Some of us can get eager and take on too much only to fizzle quicker than a teenage boy on prom night. Go in with a plan. Pick one thing to do and focus on that. But don’t overwhelm yourself. Find balance. Don’t try to build your website all in one day only to yell at your neighbor for no reason when you realize it’s all wrong. Slow and steady wins the race. Oh, and by the way, it’s not a race. So go at your own pace. As long as you go. 

Unfortunately, doing all this is a lot and not a replacement for actually writing. And if anyone told me ahead of time all the things I’d have to do, I’d have probably tried to become a marine biologist. But here I am, and I’m committing. And you can commit too. Take small steps and slowly build on the things that work for you, because then you’ll like to do them, which means you will do them, which means even “some” people will come. 

That’s it for this one. Thank you for hanging out. I hope the run was made easier, the traffic made lighter, the chores a little less chorey. As always, please visit my website Cortwrites.com and tell me what you do to become an author. I need help. I need input. I need you. Also, you can see the links in the show notes for this episode, and read the transcript. That’s C-O-R-T writes.com 
 

If you like this podcast, tell your friends, tell your co-workers, tell that neighbor you never talk to because you just needed the perfect icebreaker. And I’d love a review on iTunes, which not only helps get the word out that I’m here but also gets me a free ticket to the Zuckerberg/Musk mud wrestling face-off that benefits hippos and children in the wild.   

Today’s quote comes from Bruce Lee, a man who not only wrote poetry but also kicked butt. He says:   

“The successful warrior is the average human with laser-like focus.” 

Thanks, Bruce, I think that quote hit me right in the solar plexus. Be focused on getting your book published, fellow warriors. Don’t stop at the writing part. There’s so much more to do!

And author, my friends. Author like your saving a baby from a burning car. Because that baby is your novel. And that car is time.