California—Disney has released a statement to authors who claim they are missing royalty payments for works such as Empire Strikes Back, Indiana Jones, and numerous novelizations and scripts going back years.

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“We at Disney take these claims seriously and want to ensure that every writer gets what we think they deserve. So we’re generously offering a remuneration of one or more baby Yodas from the hit series The Mandolorian on Disney+. We feel this is fair and ample compensation for the gifted writers who have provided the beloved stories and characters we have all cherished over the years.” 

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Asked to expand on the statement, an anonymous executive said, “We know this looks cheap. But that’s short-sighted. This is a collector’s item. One that will only appreciate over the years.” He grabbed the baby Yoda on his desk and lifted its robe. “Signed by Gina Carano. In ten years, this is going to be worth fifty-plus grand. That’s almost a college education for one of your kids.” 

 

When asked if every writer would get the more controversial Gina Carano autographed doll, the exec hedged. “Everyone will get an autographed doll. Depends on what we owe. You might get a Carano or a Hamill or a Douglas Farrell.” 

 

Who?

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“He plays a Jawa. Uncredited.”

 

Writers have set up a task force to pursue their rights to fair compensation.